35 minutes

to go....

i was overjoyed to hear her on the phone.. part of me didnt think she would call, all the way from Ahmedabad.
part of me , The cynic still thought this was some kind of formality.

what i could have done without is to think of that Bong slime being in London able to visit her.
i guess she did a lot of damage with the one date we had - which wasnt really a date at all, before she went to Pune and out of reach forever.

my sorrow lies in the fact that i never get enough time ...
35 minutes is not any different.

Happy New Year to me, and you if you happen to be reading this ..

Time Moves On 06 -> 07

Time is simply a matter of implied motion - where you think you're going somewhere , but you are not.

And i don't mean the Theoretical Physics "Relativity" concept .... Existence is a lot more than moving through various time lines.

People come into your life and move on - some that you wish would stay, don't and some that you wish would move on faster than fastest, do ...

Promises made , expectations set, all crumble with the speed of sandcastles in the tide.

The best way to be is live life a second at a time - expect nothing - good or bad - that way whatever happens is going to be a surprise.

Smirk

really , is it just me ? or does no one else UNDERSTAND that working 22 hours in a day will NOT make more productive work .... just a lot of messy work from very tired people.

but nooooo ... we're not people, we're just fingers attached to a brain.

if this succeeds, the top ones will get all the praise.
if it doesnt , its ALL our fault.

whats even MORE hilarious(in a dark-humor kind of way) is a office memo (e-memo anyway) passed around by my head-man-person.

it goes "you'll be paid a pittance , ONLY if the customer likes BOTH the difficult bits of work you spent agonizing over for 3 weeks"... like THATS going to happen. he just sent it to keep up appearances and its not a very well disguised one.

this was not worth giving up Diwali , my Nights' sleep and my weekends for.

atleast if you are getting inane deadlines, make sure you GET it studied and analysed first ? instead of just fumblefingering around in the dark.

a-non-y-mosity

I have been very oddly quiet nowadays.
I put it down to being overworked - no weekends, 10 hours, expected to go up to 16+ hours over the next 10 days.

But this post isnt about my work-woes...

I have lately acquired a new fellow traveller. usually i get off the bus and hitch a ride together with this petite ageless person who disembarks just before the railway bridge.

a few days ago i discovered another person who disembarks much closer home than that.

she has several questions to ask me .. my name among other things.

the funny part is i have NO intention of asking her for hers... something that struck the one person who heard about this as extremely odd.

but without a name i am under no pressure to hold any delusions or aspersions... i can fully live in the moment, and when it is past i hold no regret that it is no more...

odd?

questions not to ask her if you still like her

any concerned questions about her health and happiness are Granny Questions

1. nothing about food, clothing, bus fare
2. nothing about pains, cold, dishwashing liquid

and im not allowed to be concerned about her wellbeing.

she was bemoaning the fact that only people who are worth communicating to are family and love of life. and only she's the one taking the effort to communicate. (what the EFF am i trying to do? i write her emails and she's "on a holiday from email"!)

i really dont know why i care .... but as the song goes .... "I Just Do...."

i hate being a guy with emotions, i should just go out and break stuff.

musings..

of course this was inevitable i suppose.
a question from one of my distant acquaintances from overseas , - if i was gay.
poor thing , she apologized a dozen times before asking "do you like the same gender?".

it isnt very odd , that question, here i am a few years short of 30 and i dont even have a gf.
i WAS bothered very much about appearances ,about being 'friend'less for the entire duration of my earthly existence.

However, on answering my acquaintance, i realise i am not, anymore.

i like girls. i find some attractive because of a hobby or a behavioral trait and others i find attractive because of their female bits. i dont particularly like the second kind of attraction, because it is superficial.

what i DETEST with the whole of my being , is to sit back and discuss , my liking for said female bits with other members of my gender, who are, sorry to say, NOTORIOUSLY lacking in subtlety.

so if im lucky enough to get to talk to a few women/girls on a mature,platonic level, i really AM happiest that way.

****

another blogger vanished : - deepthought00. - the webpage now hosts some porn page.

inept

on the one hand im supposed to be all nice and gentlemanly.

but what DO i do when i find that you have been calling other men and talking to them whereas to me , you communicate , through a mutual friend , "my internet is not working".

i long to call you all manner of words , but then i sense they are born out of my own frustrated delusion.

be well, and be happy, and be without me. if that be what makes you happy..

cut the crap.

i am outraged! how DARE we mock the memory of those that fought UNITED against oppression so long ago? for that is what the 'celebration' of Independence day is .

what exactly are we independent from ?

> we have no independence from the worry about where our next meal is coming from - we go to work the next day after a horrific series of blasts in a city - knowing that 'the spirit' is nothing but the knowledge that no one is paying for us to take a day off to mourn our dead.

> we have no independence of choice - its all just one set of politicians over others, they dont give a shit about US ... just about how to make the poll counters tick and discuss non-issues while the cows come home.

> no independence from being assured of a next generation - girls are still being valued below guys, inspite of outperforming them in academics and the fact that we need a next generation of mothers and sisters.

> no independence from uncertainty - this is more for those farmers who are so deeply rooted in debt that they'd rather DIE rather than continue.

> we dont have independence from hate - if anything we are enslaved by it more and more every single day - blaming our problems on THEM is a convenient way for us to ignore the REAL issues.

> we dont have independence from shitty infrastructure - the rains came, we still drowned. they did come to help, but too little too late.

we've been systematically wiping out monuments of our history and our past , in the name of progress - the Taj Mahal is decaying from the acids of a "Progressive Nation".

so after all this , citizens of a great country , lets NOT put down the sacrifice of they whose blood was spilt for us so many years ago ... just shut the Eff up and on this day, be reminded of the curse of our INABILITY to be anything but more enmeshed in circumstances over which we have NO control.

screwy

how can i be so calm about some people and feel hurt about some other people?

i got off the bus and she said to me "sorry i am going to take a lift with some one else".

atleast i got to see her on the bus.

today i am empty of all upsetting anger.

snarl

last night i spoke to a mutual friend .. who told me you were an emotional mess.

i left you a few slyly sarcastic messages. today morning you couldnt stop calling me.

then finally when i DO call you.... long distance... you put me on HOLD ?

then after a minute i hang up ... and u call me back immediately.

you tell me , lets meet in the afternoon, and forget all about me.

then you tell me "im out watching a drama with my mother" - then you
come back home and send messages to some other guy ?

if i werent such a patient entity i'd probably yell at you. in not very nice words.
and i suppose you would deserve those words too.

who Me?

I'm different.

i actually feel hurt if you see through me while passing me by and dont say hello.
you think because im all sullen looking and gloomy, i dont have a heart?

maybe you think if you ignore me long enough i'll just vanish. like some dream vanishes through the brightness of the sun.

but im a shadow. the brighter the light, the more places i am.

and if i happen to say "ohh you're busy so thats why you cannot talk" ... you say to me "excuse me , im studying for so and so and i have to be online" ... okay so i KNOW you're studying but how the HELL do i know you're studying for a test and its tomorrow ?? i dont have sixth sense, pardon me ..

if i happen to say to you "you have dark circles" - i dont mean "ugh you're so ugly!" i mean "im worried about you , you dont get enough sleep. if i were there i'd make you sleep!"...so when you act all huffy and dont want to show me your photographs - i AM upset.

you say "i dont understand you"....some days , most days, i dont understand myself...
 

down with the filosofhy - evil rant.

right... im peeved.

enough people have told me .... "you'll do better"...
yeah right , like i can wait 400 years and stay unchanged for the perfect line of work to appear...like liquid mushroom dip cleaner?

enough people have told me ... "you'll find the love of your life"...
probably crawling under a pebble in a oil-slick filled pool next to a nuclear waste dump ?

i have conversations like "oh im busy with my boyfriend, but you can talk to me".
look i appreciate the fact that you pity me and all ... BUT WHY DO U SAY THAT AND THEN TALK TO ME IN ONE WORD REPLIES??

"the city has resilience and has bounced back"...
im sure the 200 people who died needlessly will appreciate your fat butt bouncing around the city.... new meaning to "resilience my ass"

"ladies coaches not guarded to search for threats to rail security".
im sure the next girl who gets assaulted in my city's trains will LOVE THAT she gave up her virtue and sanity so that resilient people dont have to bounce around.

"no more peace talks between our countries"
- FACE IT PEOPLE .... two other countries in this situation would have been pally if YOUR numbskull approach worked? ... what happens is ... one bombs the other, the other uses warplanes on the first .... and people STILL die. maybe we should just export all you b/s-strategiests to the outer wastes of Xena.

i dont have any solutions to ANY of the situations above .... thats why i am rantin like i did..

Enter The Dark Half

Cynicism is an emotion borne out by a day like 11 July '06.

how can a person be all positive and sunshiny when around us all rise the shadowy ghouls of murder from anonymity and screams and blown apart limbs?

i doubt any of the 174(officially reported) violent dismemberments ever thought of their not being able to return home that fateful evening.

i remember watching a Discovery Channel offering about Bats ....
outside their cave , where about 4 million of them live, crowded cheek to jowl above a maggotty teemy environment that eats up their young if they fall (how similar to Mumbai can we get?)...live a few sharp eyed and sharper taloned eagles.
Every morning when the bats return home, tired from their exertions on behalf of their cheepy young, these Evil Eagles (and yet Folk Lore calls them forces of good?) speed through the million strong throng ... and rip a few out of the fabric of Life.

the remaining 399,99,999 continue on with their lives .... happy (if Bats are sentient enough to be capable of such emotion) that it wasnt them.

isnt that how we are ?

the only difference is the few peoplebats who , in all the places of destruction, rushed out to help.
there remain a few dim sparks in the All Consuming Darkness.

from one of the Holy Books,
"How long, O LORD?
How long will the wicked be allowed to gloat?"

is there anything that inspires POSITIVITY anymore?

people die, either of hunger, or thirst - and everyone else is too busy scurrying away as if the proximity to Death might bring the Hand of the Dark One down on them too.

no one realises that D-man's going to come-a-calling no matter what.

this said and done , im still a spineless fool .... all words and no action. most days i disgust myself.

what is a day well spent according to the successful ones? one in which one can do the least amount of work and lick the most amount of hairy behinds (or the other kind if you got those) and then get pushed up by hot air and stinky crap. i wonder sometimes if people actually are so SOULLESS as to be not bothered by their Consciences ... while they plot such grand things as genocide , or such mundane things as showing a co-worker down.

Success, i've realised, is the amount of diarrhoeac crap pasted around your mouth and nose. atleast on planet earth.

musings on a may,midway

when you wake up in the morning, do you wonder if you are going to see the end of the day?

a lot of people have , in song thought writing and poetry often thought - "what if today was the last day of my life ?"

in this era of speed-dating and speed-employment and just plain speed .... i propose to take it a bit further. what if this is the last minute of your life ?

what would you do in this last 60 seconds that would make it the final bookend in this long bookcase?

i think of eliminating all that i wouldnt do.

• hug my parents - its too trite and formulaic , i've been doing it a lot throughout my life


• write a letter - dont know if that is going to make it through whatever wipes me out


• write an email - would anyone care to answer ?


• write a poem - it could be a bad one - who'd want to go out with bad type?


• run around like crazy - i havent done it all my life (last 12 years anyway) and why would i run around since im not supposed to know im going to end 45 seconds later?

what i'd probably do is - what i've been doing so long that its been sort of like second nature to me,

nothing!

after all i came FROM nothing and im about to BECOME nothing ... so why bother?

what indicates sentience ?

is it the ability to reason and feel ?

is it the ability to have an eye for things beyond the animal needs?

what makes me self-aware?

A thought

Angsty entries dont really do it for most people.
this place remains as devoid of visitors as my other domains.

while playing to the gallery isnt quite what i do the best...i'd like to know,
what DOES a blog visitor want to read ?

couple of hints i got

• 
  Humorous Satire


• Realistic Opinion


• Days-of-my-Life

all these are VERY well done blogs, and the writers KNOW what they write.

oh and there are picture posts , these are best done by people with an unerring eye for detail.and a beautiful sense of imagery. and a good digicam/scanner.

its not performance pressure, i dont WANT to play to the gallery. all i do want to do is to be heard. even if my voice is the small, slow variety.

Ex Invisiblis

The Universe doesnt give a shit about you.

Even when people PRETEND they are interested in you, they are really not.
They'll always be way too busy to meet you - and conveniently forget to call you when they say they will. (and this isnt the person who u think is the love of your life,either - this is just some two-bit acquaintance, whom YOU have the grace to take a day off to meet)

Its all about grandstanding buddy, aint no one who cares bout you.

grim thought

some studies - (how we love to hate those!) - have observed a link between animal cruelty and serial killer behavior.

if that is true, i believe we are raising a generation of psychos.

just observe the way a LOT of kids torture some poor little kitten or pup ... and you will get my drift.

for all our sakes, i hope i am wrong.

So who IS tachyoson

...is the question i think i may have inspired in the minds of a few of my acquaintances (new and old) here on the blogosphere.

well, think of it this way...you have heard wayyyy too much from me (i bet) and i haven't heard enough from you (i KNOW)

of course everyone's busy, and i understand that one cannot keep aside 4 hours or so writing DEEP comments on every blog.

but the loss of communication is best left for another post.

the question remains : Who Am I? (not to be confused with the UNIX command of the same structure, without the ?)

musings

Thought #1:
What bores me really about my other alter-egos (more than one? thats curious) is the overdose of emotion.

sure... a bit of emotion is good. but its never a good idea to keep on wailing "Why-Me?" out to the world. nobody knows and frankly nobody cares.

Thought #2:
keeping blogging too abstract is just as bad as making it too personal.

if you make a blog too vague, people WILL and DO drift away. if you make it TOO personal, people will start flaming you , and i dont just mean hot words online, it may be the literal pants on your beehind thats being blazed off.

if you make a blog too realistic , people will get bored - no one really cares about reading the number of times you brush each side of ur teeth in the morning and at night. no one really will be interested (beyond the first few times anyways) of reading about your amoral adventures (or lack of them).
if you make it too UNrealistic - people will just not get it.

Thought #3:
After all these years, i've still not found the direction to go ... but putting smileys at the end of a blog sentence is definitely out, Captain.

Urban Sprawl

Exactly how easy(or difficult) is it to spread your creativity over multiple domains?

reason i wonder is this is my third 'domain'.
maybe u will find my other two domains.

maybe like the other two you will also find a perfectlygood reason not to be here.

come walk with me a step or two. i cant guarantee the journey will be superlatively great,
but i think you won't get bored.