a 4 am thought if there ever was one - one so (interesting/earthshattering/insane - use favorite adjective here) that i have had to put it down twice in a day - once in my trusty offline tome and this one.
Does becoming better at the 'common skills of Life' render a person less creative - ? for example, keeping track of which of ones' bills to pay today wipes out the perfect photographic scene , or the worry about buying a house on loan wipe out the idea for that best selling novel that one dreamt up on that long weekend?
in short , does Creativity emerge out of Life , or does Life crush the existence of Creativity ?
opinions are welcome.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Sunday, July 08, 2007
regarding dogs as companions
in response to Shek's comment on the last post ... i have a dog.
he's just as beset by females that want nothing more than emotional support from him. so this anorexic female keeps him around to provide protection from the other (presumably) evil dogs of the neighbourhood.
so ... in that regard, my dog and i are no help to each other emotionally, and resemble each other to a T.
he's just as beset by females that want nothing more than emotional support from him. so this anorexic female keeps him around to provide protection from the other (presumably) evil dogs of the neighbourhood.
so ... in that regard, my dog and i are no help to each other emotionally, and resemble each other to a T.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
low sense of self worth
i was talking to a friend of mine today - the one that always bemoans the fact that her boyfriend is such a rank slug. i asked her 'why do you continue' ... she replied 'because i am afraid that i wont get anyone better'. (there was a typo/Freudian slip in the previous one - 'i am afraid i wont get any better' was what i'd typed - thats probably because i think that she wont get any better , emotionally).
as always in my conversations with this friend, i got absolutely very little chance to talk about myself. im always too concerned that by bringing myself up , i'd probably be somehow discounting her sorrow or sense of loss. but eventually this time i fought myself back and asked her "WHY do you think you cannot do any better?"...then i brought up an example that i find very convenient seeing as i know the person very well - Myself.
i began by telling her "put yourself in my place and ask me the question 'WHY cant i do any better?' ".... "my answers would be
- "because im not a party animal. i seek only blessed Rest (or maybe its sloth) on Fridays".
- "because i am not dazzling handsome or visible"
- "because i dont earn a gallon of money every month" - but then again i do not want to attract those monetary vampires who want to dig in their manicured claws into me for how much $ they can milk out of me before finishing me off for an affair with the pool guy (hahaha bit of Dallas there?)
i am also re-reading "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman - the first time around i got NOTHING out of it. it bored me beyond the first few paragraphs.
my aim is not to quote from his book.. but to talk about (of course to no one in particular) what i am and what makes me me.
i am not shy in the traditional sense - there's this guy at work , who doesnt say a THING to people. i talk. and i talk copiously. maybe too much - more than one person has told me to "Oh Shut Up you're wayy too annoying". I admit to being afraid of silences. and i feel that i should somehow fill it up. The positive sign here is that i've stopped applying THIS foofranoogle idea to MEETINGS where most Management seems to be ready to pounce on people who open their trap.
no , im not shy - i talk to girls. and i talk a lot. but im always afraid "what if i LIKE her? if i get to talking to her casually, and what if i have to tell her i am thinking about US ?" . i never get the answer to that. its like the line in that pop-icon's song "You Analyze every one you meet, but y get no sign , (of) love in kind". i am either emotionally blind or colossally incompetent at reading emotional signs.
im really worried about losing a friend by telling her "I Like you in a particular way... do you like me back?" - i mean whats up with that? i asked one girl , she said No ... and now she's getting married to some other guy. Since asking her, i've pretty much given up asking any single girls that question. I am most at my ease around girls that have boyfriends or are married for the (to me,) simple reason that i cant , in my most CRAZIEST mind, be thinking of 'matching up with' her.
another weird question, and i have had atleast two girls do this to me , is to tell me "what?? no one loves you ? ur the kinda guy girls pine to be with".
what i dont get - IF GIRLS PINE TO BE WITH ME , WHERE THE HECK ARE THEY?
its a very nice thing of my friends to say , but it doesnt quite ring true . if a girl pines by herself, its for someone like a movie star, that too not like Woody Allen or Chris Rock or Rajpal Yadav or Johnny Lever. if a girl is made to pine by her parents , her PARENTS will look for $ and a cushy MS from Fafranoogle College in the Ewe Shear Academy area.
looks = 0. money and status = 0.
the second doozy is that , im rather hypocritical. i dont want to be with a girl my size. and i want to be with someone who is atleast reasonably brainy. i dont want the girl to be hirsute.
---
i dont have anyone to talk to - i can talk to my parents , but to expect them to be around always for me to talk to , is unrealistic.
to this end, i have taken to snapping at my parents - both wonderful gems of People.
i do this to replace the howling fear that sometime soon they wont be around. i dont want to get so used to their company that i miss them too much, because i wont be able to stand that.
im really close to my parents. and i will miss them something fierce when they are gone.
im confused , i need their company right now, but if i get too close to them, I'll be immobilized when they are gone.
i read somewhere that there are two kinds of love - from the family you were born in and romantic love.
i've got a lot from the first. but i havent got any of the second kind.
i dont want to end up like my friend - drudging from one person to another... and taking bullshit from everyone just because she is afraid of being devoid of love.
i am equally afraid of leaving a loveless life.
as always in my conversations with this friend, i got absolutely very little chance to talk about myself. im always too concerned that by bringing myself up , i'd probably be somehow discounting her sorrow or sense of loss. but eventually this time i fought myself back and asked her "WHY do you think you cannot do any better?"...then i brought up an example that i find very convenient seeing as i know the person very well - Myself.
i began by telling her "put yourself in my place and ask me the question 'WHY cant i do any better?' ".... "my answers would be
- "because im not a party animal. i seek only blessed Rest (or maybe its sloth) on Fridays".
- "because i am not dazzling handsome or visible"
- "because i dont earn a gallon of money every month" - but then again i do not want to attract those monetary vampires who want to dig in their manicured claws into me for how much $ they can milk out of me before finishing me off for an affair with the pool guy (hahaha bit of Dallas there?)
i am also re-reading "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman - the first time around i got NOTHING out of it. it bored me beyond the first few paragraphs.
my aim is not to quote from his book.. but to talk about (of course to no one in particular) what i am and what makes me me.
i am not shy in the traditional sense - there's this guy at work , who doesnt say a THING to people. i talk. and i talk copiously. maybe too much - more than one person has told me to "Oh Shut Up you're wayy too annoying". I admit to being afraid of silences. and i feel that i should somehow fill it up. The positive sign here is that i've stopped applying THIS foofranoogle idea to MEETINGS where most Management seems to be ready to pounce on people who open their trap.
no , im not shy - i talk to girls. and i talk a lot. but im always afraid "what if i LIKE her? if i get to talking to her casually, and what if i have to tell her i am thinking about US ?" . i never get the answer to that. its like the line in that pop-icon's song "You Analyze every one you meet, but y get no sign , (of) love in kind". i am either emotionally blind or colossally incompetent at reading emotional signs.
im really worried about losing a friend by telling her "I Like you in a particular way... do you like me back?" - i mean whats up with that? i asked one girl , she said No ... and now she's getting married to some other guy. Since asking her, i've pretty much given up asking any single girls that question. I am most at my ease around girls that have boyfriends or are married for the (to me,) simple reason that i cant , in my most CRAZIEST mind, be thinking of 'matching up with' her.
another weird question, and i have had atleast two girls do this to me , is to tell me "what?? no one loves you ? ur the kinda guy girls pine to be with".
what i dont get - IF GIRLS PINE TO BE WITH ME , WHERE THE HECK ARE THEY?
its a very nice thing of my friends to say , but it doesnt quite ring true . if a girl pines by herself, its for someone like a movie star, that too not like Woody Allen or Chris Rock or Rajpal Yadav or Johnny Lever. if a girl is made to pine by her parents , her PARENTS will look for $ and a cushy MS from Fafranoogle College in the Ewe Shear Academy area.
looks = 0. money and status = 0.
the second doozy is that , im rather hypocritical. i dont want to be with a girl my size. and i want to be with someone who is atleast reasonably brainy. i dont want the girl to be hirsute.
---
i dont have anyone to talk to - i can talk to my parents , but to expect them to be around always for me to talk to , is unrealistic.
to this end, i have taken to snapping at my parents - both wonderful gems of People.
i do this to replace the howling fear that sometime soon they wont be around. i dont want to get so used to their company that i miss them too much, because i wont be able to stand that.
im really close to my parents. and i will miss them something fierce when they are gone.
im confused , i need their company right now, but if i get too close to them, I'll be immobilized when they are gone.
i read somewhere that there are two kinds of love - from the family you were born in and romantic love.
i've got a lot from the first. but i havent got any of the second kind.
i dont want to end up like my friend - drudging from one person to another... and taking bullshit from everyone just because she is afraid of being devoid of love.
i am equally afraid of leaving a loveless life.
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