why oh why

it is an observation i have, that some women *like* to be pitied and emotionally abused. it gives them a sense of martyrdom. (in a less exalted verbiage, they adore S&M of the emotional nature)

because if they did not, what other possible reason would be to sigh and say "oh but he loves me i am sure he will change" and go back to the vapid and hurtful situation that is their relationship?

before the Feminists get on my case , let me point out to my defense, that i do not do anything of the above nature, preferring to remain single in the ghastly nightmarish belief that a relationship will cause me to transmogrify into this Hyde-ian (sic?) aberration myself.

----

i believe that while its not EASY getting out of abusive relationships, inspite of all the wellmeaning galpals and the (rare cases) well meaning elders, the ONLY person to get you out of an abusive relationship is yourself, because at the end of the day it is YOU who have to say "Enough is enough, i will NOT put up any more" and walk out.

contrary to popular thought

i do not particularly *love* listening to you whine about your loser, no good , emotionally dead/emotionally abusive boyfriend.

what i detest even MORE is you turning around and telling me "when are you getting married?" and reply "such a great guy like you shouldnt be single!"with a (internal) roll-of-eyes.

if i was so great how come a nice girl like him STILL goes back to abovementioned creep at the end of the day?

hey, i dont diss your relationship. just because i dont want to end up like abovementioned creep, doesnt mean i *LIKE* being single?

nowadays i am being more blunt with you about him. not because i want to be your rebound guy.

but because i really, REALLY feel for you. in ways that do not involve me starting to hug and kiss you and take you out on dates.

if you are too blind to see the above fact, i know i am better off than you.

---

law of statistical volume (or some such) .... the more girls i see, the more likely i am to find someone i like who is NOT taken.

and where , pray tell , am i to find someone of said nature ?

over two months

if anyone read this blog, it would matter much.

but since no one does,it really doesnt.

of late, going over the past few posts, it strikes me as being plain whiny. this blog showcases my darker side, not my whiny one.

--X--

probably i have said this before , but corporate life (atleast in my limited and thoroughly uneasy interaction with it) is nasty.

people really ARE a whole lot like you see in the Dilbert cartoons.

example: i am supposed to do something for which i need certain pieces of equipment. also i am supposed to hold some amount of knowledge for the same.

i am told that the piece of equipment cannot be used because it has a limited user license. ha ha. you are earning XYZ amount of money on this project and y oucant invest the amount of money to get ONE MORE LICENSE?

so all right i get myself adjusted to getting said piece of equipment set up in a way that doesnt violate the license terms. but the OTHER pieces of equipment are to take some big paperworky document filled by the boss' boss' boss' boss.

i just give up.

i am confused over whether to laugh maniacally or just stare in shocked wonderment at the absolute INSANITY that goes on behind the facade of "Quality Work".

--x--

so long

things that make girls like a guy
1. looks
2. interesting habits
3. money (this more towards the parental bits)

since i lack all of the above, why does it surprise me that i have no one who loves me romantically?

all the girls i know and admire are being married off.

the ones are not will hide behind the guise of 'being busy' - that makes me very angry. just the fact that i admire them, makes me hold my tongue.

its NOT my fault, why do you wall me off , and shut me out, like it was? and if its my fault, why cant you be courteous enough to tell me ?

dark smirk

thats what has got to cross my face nowadays at work.

number 1 peeve : affianced / engaged female coworker.
nice person as a rule. but ever since she grew that usual female appendage called A Fiance... she's been distracted. it wouldnt have been a big deal in a larger team, but since there's just me and that person, its a bit much if she spends ALL her time(okay im being unfair , only 4o% of 8 hours = 3 hours) talking to her whatnot on gtalk. when its not gtalk its him calling up. oh sure , IM being uncharitable. but then i had to put up with HER workload on the week she went on Engagement Leave. Next up , Visit Family Shrine leave. After that , Wedding Leave. After that, it'll be "Tachyoson Leaves" time. heh heh heh.(dark smirk#1).

oh what REALLY got my goat - on Friday morning she text messages at 5am and says "urgh urk...i've got a headache and cant come to work please tell Toad and Tadpole". i grind my teeth and prevent myself from tapping out a sharp reply. "let me give her the benefit of the doubt", i say to myself, "maybe she REALLY did have to puke" (the day before she was infrequently rubbing her brow and making achy sounds - a headache, she'd said).

Today - online she says "i actually went trosseau shopping and its all done except for his blazer". heh heh heh heh (dark smirk #2) - i knew my gut feeling was right.

as if ONE female annoyance wasnt enough, there's another.
an ill informed , over-opinionated person.
she's from a different technology area - and keeps coming up with ideas better suited for USERS (who are mostly ,except for the informed ones, sheep) .

anyway she has a bigger knack than Tadpole of bringing up stuff that SEEMS easy, but isnt , considering the technology we have to use to achieve it.

a request to help should NOT be officialized by emailing all the Toads up the ladder! something she should have understood.

anyway, i dug my foot in , and left in time to leave town for a week.

deeply

i feel extremely miffed when other people talk to her, but yet when i ask her anything, she stares into the distance as if i didnt exist.

i am either very paranoid , or invisible.

---

if it were just one person i would have put it down to just the way i do not get along with her.
but this is different people.

i know i may not be rich, handsome and statusful. but to shove me away like that is not being very nice, especially not when you say "We're Friends".

i'm tired of being "friends of convenience".

little hidden seeds of de

the other day in my endless channel hopping quest , i happened upon a program that was indeed quite interesting in its cheerful demeanor of highlighting some of the most ghastly things that modern society has visited on us.

smoking - a whole lot of people ravaged by cancer turn out at the cigarette makers on Xmas day to heartily sing Xmas carols in metallic voices.

pollution - giving a statue to a guy who was the biggest polluter in that country.

nuclear war - the denizens of the (then - this was an old program) new entrants to the "Mile-high Club" were asked how much they spent on anti-fallout shelters ? they spent millions of non-tax evaders slaves on finding a Decisive Deterrent - and provide NOTHING for the people who will be decimated if they decide to go play someday.
this reinforced my belief - "there are so many people on earth, that there is a set of people , to which losing some of us would cause no more remorse than if you or I (meaning the normal people) were to step on a couple of tiny ants.

i despair, indeed i despair.

more paradox in a paradoxical life

a 4 am thought if there ever was one - one so (interesting/earthshattering/insane - use favorite adjective here) that i have had to put it down twice in a day - once in my trusty offline tome and this one.

Does becoming better at the 'common skills of Life' render a person less creative - ? for example, keeping track of which of ones' bills to pay today wipes out the perfect photographic scene , or the worry about buying a house on loan wipe out the idea for that best selling novel that one dreamt up on that long weekend?

in short , does Creativity emerge out of Life , or does Life crush the existence of Creativity ?

opinions are welcome.

regarding dogs as companions

in response to Shek's comment on the last post ... i have a dog.

he's just as beset by females that want nothing more than emotional support from him. so this anorexic female keeps him around to provide protection from the other (presumably) evil dogs of the neighbourhood.

so ... in that regard, my dog and i are no help to each other emotionally, and resemble each other to a T.

low sense of self worth

i was talking to a friend of mine today - the one that always bemoans the fact that her boyfriend is such a rank slug. i asked her 'why do you continue' ... she replied 'because i am afraid that i wont get anyone better'. (there was a typo/Freudian slip in the previous one - 'i am afraid i wont get any better' was what i'd typed - thats probably because i think that she wont get any better , emotionally).

as always in my conversations with this friend, i got absolutely very little chance to talk about myself. im always too concerned that by bringing myself up , i'd probably be somehow discounting her sorrow or sense of loss. but eventually this time i fought myself back and asked her "WHY do you think you cannot do any better?"...then i brought up an example that i find very convenient seeing as i know the person very well - Myself.

i began by telling her "put yourself in my place and ask me the question 'WHY cant i do any better?' ".... "my answers would be
- "because im not a party animal. i seek only blessed Rest (or maybe its sloth) on Fridays".

- "because i am not dazzling handsome or visible"

- "because i dont earn a gallon of money every month" - but then again i do not want to attract those monetary vampires who want to dig in their manicured claws into me for how much $ they can milk out of me before finishing me off for an affair with the pool guy (hahaha bit of Dallas there?)

i am also re-reading "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman - the first time around i got NOTHING out of it. it bored me beyond the first few paragraphs.

my aim is not to quote from his book.. but to talk about (of course to no one in particular) what i am and what makes me me.

i am not shy in the traditional sense - there's this guy at work , who doesnt say a THING to people. i talk. and i talk copiously. maybe too much - more than one person has told me to "Oh Shut Up you're wayy too annoying". I admit to being afraid of silences. and i feel that i should somehow fill it up. The positive sign here is that i've stopped applying THIS foofranoogle idea to MEETINGS where most Management seems to be ready to pounce on people who open their trap.

no , im not shy - i talk to girls. and i talk a lot. but im always afraid "what if i LIKE her? if i get to talking to her casually, and what if i have to tell her i am thinking about US ?" . i never get the answer to that. its like the line in that pop-icon's song "You Analyze every one you meet, but y get no sign , (of) love in kind". i am either emotionally blind or colossally incompetent at reading emotional signs.

im really worried about losing a friend by telling her "I Like you in a particular way... do you like me back?" - i mean whats up with that? i asked one girl , she said No ... and now she's getting married to some other guy. Since asking her, i've pretty much given up asking any single girls that question. I am most at my ease around girls that have boyfriends or are married for the (to me,) simple reason that i cant , in my most CRAZIEST mind, be thinking of 'matching up with' her.

another weird question, and i have had atleast two girls do this to me , is to tell me "what?? no one loves you ? ur the kinda guy girls pine to be with".
what i dont get - IF GIRLS PINE TO BE WITH ME , WHERE THE HECK ARE THEY?

its a very nice thing of my friends to say , but it doesnt quite ring true . if a girl pines by herself, its for someone like a movie star, that too not like Woody Allen or Chris Rock or Rajpal Yadav or Johnny Lever. if a girl is made to pine by her parents , her PARENTS will look for $ and a cushy MS from Fafranoogle College in the Ewe Shear Academy area.

looks = 0. money and status = 0.

the second doozy is that , im rather hypocritical. i dont want to be with a girl my size. and i want to be with someone who is atleast reasonably brainy. i dont want the girl to be hirsute.

---

i dont have anyone to talk to - i can talk to my parents , but to expect them to be around always for me to talk to , is unrealistic.

to this end, i have taken to snapping at my parents - both wonderful gems of People.

i do this to replace the howling fear that sometime soon they wont be around. i dont want to get so used to their company that i miss them too much, because i wont be able to stand that.

im really close to my parents. and i will miss them something fierce when they are gone.

im confused , i need their company right now, but if i get too close to them, I'll be immobilized when they are gone.

i read somewhere that there are two kinds of love - from the family you were born in and romantic love.
i've got a lot from the first. but i havent got any of the second kind.

i dont want to end up like my friend - drudging from one person to another... and taking bullshit from everyone just because she is afraid of being devoid of love.

i am equally afraid of leaving a loveless life.

a jump in time.

i love autosaved drafts.

read another blogger who was wondering why the blog she wrote should be read. i wrote a comment that was almost a post.

i find myself doing that more often nowadays. reacting to others' opinions more than generating some of my own. probably the reason why i only return here once every month or so (moth is a weird typo - reminds me of the Mothman Prophecies - a weird story )

psychotic lovers - like the one who stabbed his girl on a busy road near Mumbai. as predicted a large crowd never reacted. no one wants to get involved with the paperwork. the photographs in the Times Of India are gruesome. as is the act. why do some girls (note NO generalisation here!) want to end up with such losers? just because they are VISIBLE? im not that (Visible , not yet a loser , although in my darkest hours my id echoes this back - You're a Loser man , you lose all the girls you fall for to other men).

yet the whole act of fighting for , or over a girl, really is tragic. if a girl chooses someone else over you, obviously its the grand schema of the universe , survival of the fittest (note John Abraham and not Rajpal Yadav) and propagation of the best.

i think the scariest possibilities are borne through by losers who wield power. maybe its their latent desire to carry out retribution against all those who have visited real or imagined wrongs upon them (that was NOT even a coherent sentence!)

---

the reason why i do not write very frequently here is that i think most of my enraged posts sound boringly similar. i cant imagine typing out post after post, which sound almost the same, bar a few sentences.

and baring souls is probably as unappetizing as dropping ones pants in public.

---

its always iffy with women/girls [- of course there is a difference between the two... a sarcastic gimboid (thanks Red Dwarf!) that i worked with shortly laughingly told me the crass difference.]
anyway ... the point i seek to make - if the girl/woman in question is single, she WILL be snapped up by some loser or better guy (need to put this in also, as not all of the girls/women i know have total losers as bfs/fiances/hubbies). if the girl/woman in question is newly bereft of loser bf, then its rather a dicey issue to make my own case. mainly because QUITE DEFINITELY the said girl/woman has NEVER seen me in that sort of light and will be disgusted/shocked/horrified to find that a heart exists beneath this Quasimodean/Grim exterior. [yes , whoever reads this , sorry to break your ideal dream - SHREK is not always true, thats why its a STORY! do any girls choose to go live in a SWAMP?]

i am sure (as most people i know) that there's someone i will eventually end up with ... but the sheer statistics of the number of people i will have to interact with , and the timelines involved boggles the mind.

Time has always been my enemy , with specific regard to this ...

usual Sunday Evening

which means that im feeling quite grouchy. actually the whole week has been extremely grouchy.

and the week ahead seems no different.

to top up the start to a GREAT week, everyone in my team at work got called to a training seminar but me. that Toad of a boss called all his favorites in and threw me out like a piece of wet fish.

fat lot of motivation IM getting.

im going to walk out of the office at 3:30 pm tomorrow. the Toad can go probe his own innards.

why all the nice girls i know have to fly abroad i fail to understand. the nice girls who remain behind are all taken. and the single ones are mostly idiots. just to say that im not generalising, i have to note that these are the girls i run into on a daily basis or know myself.

the only high point of the week is one nice non-single girl has a birthday, maybe she'll invite me?

a thought

with nary much ceremony i like to declare that i find wedding blogs and wedding ads about as cheering as a appendectomy without stitches.

i love all my friends , Real Life or Online , and i AM overjoyed when they find the man/woman of their dreams who also think the said friend is the woman/man of their dreams.

but it sort of makes me feel like the last turtle of the Galapagos. Cute but doomed.

i know i'm doing a lot wrong, but why wont anyone understand this?

gloomy

after thirteen years we met on orkut. He's become a big successful Project Manager in a big company.

He invited me to attend the wedding of another friend of ours who i havent seen either in 13 years.

i didnt go , thinking up excuses all day. didnt return his calls.

i still cant get the reason why , was it because i feel like they've achieved so much in 13 years and i've yet to get my act together?

i really detest loud noisy marriage bands. i wish i had soundproof door and window panes.

here i am

just thinking about how long i haven't written here . many reasons, not the least of which would be a lack of sufficiently angsty things to write about.
not that there haven't been angsty things to write about, but i was just trying to catharize my mind of this ,without resorting to key-mashing.
***

Notice: i've migrated my blogger thing to Google - so if you do get an email from me ... it will be (name of blog) AT gmail DOT com... not the other one. i will still use the older one , though ... but for new people (should there be any) this rule will stand.

***

i detest people who treat dogs as inferior beings just because they cannot talk.
the other day, our driver, a rather cunning stupid guy, tried to speed over the gate bump - almost mashing the Resident 4 Footed Guy's leg .
if it were okay to bash people in places out of First Person Shooters ... i felt like doing that then..but i had to be satisfied by yelling at him "what if you were there and i drove this car over your leg?".

***

more on the same moron mentioned above ... last weekend, i was trying to arrange for a restaurant reservation for a friend of mine, at the request of his girlfriend who i also know.
The Driver grumbled "match dekhna hai"... and proceeded to speed through a Red Sign and mash the car against the door of another vehicle. fortunately the other driver and passenger turned out to be a lot more complaisant after i admitted it was our error...HIS error , but one cannot blame one's subordinates in front of OTHER PEOPLE - a stupid management concept but one that has to work in The Real world.

***

redevelopment - a new 4-letter word for me.

the wonderful old-style apartment complex (society in colloquial speak) is planning to be redeveloped. in short ... read that all the lovely two decade old trees are going to be chopped down and some snazzy sunshine blocking rats-warrens are going to be erected. no one even realises that the water and electricity situation there will be worsened . Does NO ONE think beyond the end of midnight tonight ???

***

grouches

• having to worry about taxes
  
• having to worry about skyrocketing house loan rates
  
• having to worry about retiring parents
  
• having to worry about MY tottering health
  
• wondering why all the girls i meet are The Wrong Sort.
• cursing myself for being so damned lazy
• overworking and hating it

a few things

that leave me fuming with regards to guys in relationships.


1. they take the girls for granted , yelling at them when they dont want to talk, and being all saccharine when they do want something out of them.
2. they ignore them when they dont want to use them.
3. they never listen to the girls and buy condoms when she wants to go to Goa.
4. they dont want to give up anything, but expect the girl to jump through all sorts of hoops.


that leave me fuming with regards to girls in relationships
1. girls become emotional puppets "im happy because he talked nicely to me", "im sad cos he wont talk to me".
2. they wont do things that HE wont like, wont talk to people that HE wont like.
3. after all this bullcrap they STILL think 'but i love him and thats going to change him" - IT DOESNT.

i dont want to be in a relationship because i fear that i may cause all of the above.
gr.