musings..

of course this was inevitable i suppose.
a question from one of my distant acquaintances from overseas , - if i was gay.
poor thing , she apologized a dozen times before asking "do you like the same gender?".

it isnt very odd , that question, here i am a few years short of 30 and i dont even have a gf.
i WAS bothered very much about appearances ,about being 'friend'less for the entire duration of my earthly existence.

However, on answering my acquaintance, i realise i am not, anymore.

i like girls. i find some attractive because of a hobby or a behavioral trait and others i find attractive because of their female bits. i dont particularly like the second kind of attraction, because it is superficial.

what i DETEST with the whole of my being , is to sit back and discuss , my liking for said female bits with other members of my gender, who are, sorry to say, NOTORIOUSLY lacking in subtlety.

so if im lucky enough to get to talk to a few women/girls on a mature,platonic level, i really AM happiest that way.

****

another blogger vanished : - deepthought00. - the webpage now hosts some porn page.

inept

on the one hand im supposed to be all nice and gentlemanly.

but what DO i do when i find that you have been calling other men and talking to them whereas to me , you communicate , through a mutual friend , "my internet is not working".

i long to call you all manner of words , but then i sense they are born out of my own frustrated delusion.

be well, and be happy, and be without me. if that be what makes you happy..

cut the crap.

i am outraged! how DARE we mock the memory of those that fought UNITED against oppression so long ago? for that is what the 'celebration' of Independence day is .

what exactly are we independent from ?

> we have no independence from the worry about where our next meal is coming from - we go to work the next day after a horrific series of blasts in a city - knowing that 'the spirit' is nothing but the knowledge that no one is paying for us to take a day off to mourn our dead.

> we have no independence of choice - its all just one set of politicians over others, they dont give a shit about US ... just about how to make the poll counters tick and discuss non-issues while the cows come home.

> no independence from being assured of a next generation - girls are still being valued below guys, inspite of outperforming them in academics and the fact that we need a next generation of mothers and sisters.

> no independence from uncertainty - this is more for those farmers who are so deeply rooted in debt that they'd rather DIE rather than continue.

> we dont have independence from hate - if anything we are enslaved by it more and more every single day - blaming our problems on THEM is a convenient way for us to ignore the REAL issues.

> we dont have independence from shitty infrastructure - the rains came, we still drowned. they did come to help, but too little too late.

we've been systematically wiping out monuments of our history and our past , in the name of progress - the Taj Mahal is decaying from the acids of a "Progressive Nation".

so after all this , citizens of a great country , lets NOT put down the sacrifice of they whose blood was spilt for us so many years ago ... just shut the Eff up and on this day, be reminded of the curse of our INABILITY to be anything but more enmeshed in circumstances over which we have NO control.

screwy

how can i be so calm about some people and feel hurt about some other people?

i got off the bus and she said to me "sorry i am going to take a lift with some one else".

atleast i got to see her on the bus.

today i am empty of all upsetting anger.

snarl

last night i spoke to a mutual friend .. who told me you were an emotional mess.

i left you a few slyly sarcastic messages. today morning you couldnt stop calling me.

then finally when i DO call you.... long distance... you put me on HOLD ?

then after a minute i hang up ... and u call me back immediately.

you tell me , lets meet in the afternoon, and forget all about me.

then you tell me "im out watching a drama with my mother" - then you
come back home and send messages to some other guy ?

if i werent such a patient entity i'd probably yell at you. in not very nice words.
and i suppose you would deserve those words too.

who Me?

I'm different.

i actually feel hurt if you see through me while passing me by and dont say hello.
you think because im all sullen looking and gloomy, i dont have a heart?

maybe you think if you ignore me long enough i'll just vanish. like some dream vanishes through the brightness of the sun.

but im a shadow. the brighter the light, the more places i am.

and if i happen to say "ohh you're busy so thats why you cannot talk" ... you say to me "excuse me , im studying for so and so and i have to be online" ... okay so i KNOW you're studying but how the HELL do i know you're studying for a test and its tomorrow ?? i dont have sixth sense, pardon me ..

if i happen to say to you "you have dark circles" - i dont mean "ugh you're so ugly!" i mean "im worried about you , you dont get enough sleep. if i were there i'd make you sleep!"...so when you act all huffy and dont want to show me your photographs - i AM upset.

you say "i dont understand you"....some days , most days, i dont understand myself...