more paradox in a paradoxical life

a 4 am thought if there ever was one - one so (interesting/earthshattering/insane - use favorite adjective here) that i have had to put it down twice in a day - once in my trusty offline tome and this one.

Does becoming better at the 'common skills of Life' render a person less creative - ? for example, keeping track of which of ones' bills to pay today wipes out the perfect photographic scene , or the worry about buying a house on loan wipe out the idea for that best selling novel that one dreamt up on that long weekend?

in short , does Creativity emerge out of Life , or does Life crush the existence of Creativity ?

opinions are welcome.

regarding dogs as companions

in response to Shek's comment on the last post ... i have a dog.

he's just as beset by females that want nothing more than emotional support from him. so this anorexic female keeps him around to provide protection from the other (presumably) evil dogs of the neighbourhood.

so ... in that regard, my dog and i are no help to each other emotionally, and resemble each other to a T.

low sense of self worth

i was talking to a friend of mine today - the one that always bemoans the fact that her boyfriend is such a rank slug. i asked her 'why do you continue' ... she replied 'because i am afraid that i wont get anyone better'. (there was a typo/Freudian slip in the previous one - 'i am afraid i wont get any better' was what i'd typed - thats probably because i think that she wont get any better , emotionally).

as always in my conversations with this friend, i got absolutely very little chance to talk about myself. im always too concerned that by bringing myself up , i'd probably be somehow discounting her sorrow or sense of loss. but eventually this time i fought myself back and asked her "WHY do you think you cannot do any better?"...then i brought up an example that i find very convenient seeing as i know the person very well - Myself.

i began by telling her "put yourself in my place and ask me the question 'WHY cant i do any better?' ".... "my answers would be
- "because im not a party animal. i seek only blessed Rest (or maybe its sloth) on Fridays".

- "because i am not dazzling handsome or visible"

- "because i dont earn a gallon of money every month" - but then again i do not want to attract those monetary vampires who want to dig in their manicured claws into me for how much $ they can milk out of me before finishing me off for an affair with the pool guy (hahaha bit of Dallas there?)

i am also re-reading "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman - the first time around i got NOTHING out of it. it bored me beyond the first few paragraphs.

my aim is not to quote from his book.. but to talk about (of course to no one in particular) what i am and what makes me me.

i am not shy in the traditional sense - there's this guy at work , who doesnt say a THING to people. i talk. and i talk copiously. maybe too much - more than one person has told me to "Oh Shut Up you're wayy too annoying". I admit to being afraid of silences. and i feel that i should somehow fill it up. The positive sign here is that i've stopped applying THIS foofranoogle idea to MEETINGS where most Management seems to be ready to pounce on people who open their trap.

no , im not shy - i talk to girls. and i talk a lot. but im always afraid "what if i LIKE her? if i get to talking to her casually, and what if i have to tell her i am thinking about US ?" . i never get the answer to that. its like the line in that pop-icon's song "You Analyze every one you meet, but y get no sign , (of) love in kind". i am either emotionally blind or colossally incompetent at reading emotional signs.

im really worried about losing a friend by telling her "I Like you in a particular way... do you like me back?" - i mean whats up with that? i asked one girl , she said No ... and now she's getting married to some other guy. Since asking her, i've pretty much given up asking any single girls that question. I am most at my ease around girls that have boyfriends or are married for the (to me,) simple reason that i cant , in my most CRAZIEST mind, be thinking of 'matching up with' her.

another weird question, and i have had atleast two girls do this to me , is to tell me "what?? no one loves you ? ur the kinda guy girls pine to be with".
what i dont get - IF GIRLS PINE TO BE WITH ME , WHERE THE HECK ARE THEY?

its a very nice thing of my friends to say , but it doesnt quite ring true . if a girl pines by herself, its for someone like a movie star, that too not like Woody Allen or Chris Rock or Rajpal Yadav or Johnny Lever. if a girl is made to pine by her parents , her PARENTS will look for $ and a cushy MS from Fafranoogle College in the Ewe Shear Academy area.

looks = 0. money and status = 0.

the second doozy is that , im rather hypocritical. i dont want to be with a girl my size. and i want to be with someone who is atleast reasonably brainy. i dont want the girl to be hirsute.

---

i dont have anyone to talk to - i can talk to my parents , but to expect them to be around always for me to talk to , is unrealistic.

to this end, i have taken to snapping at my parents - both wonderful gems of People.

i do this to replace the howling fear that sometime soon they wont be around. i dont want to get so used to their company that i miss them too much, because i wont be able to stand that.

im really close to my parents. and i will miss them something fierce when they are gone.

im confused , i need their company right now, but if i get too close to them, I'll be immobilized when they are gone.

i read somewhere that there are two kinds of love - from the family you were born in and romantic love.
i've got a lot from the first. but i havent got any of the second kind.

i dont want to end up like my friend - drudging from one person to another... and taking bullshit from everyone just because she is afraid of being devoid of love.

i am equally afraid of leaving a loveless life.

a jump in time.

i love autosaved drafts.

read another blogger who was wondering why the blog she wrote should be read. i wrote a comment that was almost a post.

i find myself doing that more often nowadays. reacting to others' opinions more than generating some of my own. probably the reason why i only return here once every month or so (moth is a weird typo - reminds me of the Mothman Prophecies - a weird story )

psychotic lovers - like the one who stabbed his girl on a busy road near Mumbai. as predicted a large crowd never reacted. no one wants to get involved with the paperwork. the photographs in the Times Of India are gruesome. as is the act. why do some girls (note NO generalisation here!) want to end up with such losers? just because they are VISIBLE? im not that (Visible , not yet a loser , although in my darkest hours my id echoes this back - You're a Loser man , you lose all the girls you fall for to other men).

yet the whole act of fighting for , or over a girl, really is tragic. if a girl chooses someone else over you, obviously its the grand schema of the universe , survival of the fittest (note John Abraham and not Rajpal Yadav) and propagation of the best.

i think the scariest possibilities are borne through by losers who wield power. maybe its their latent desire to carry out retribution against all those who have visited real or imagined wrongs upon them (that was NOT even a coherent sentence!)

---

the reason why i do not write very frequently here is that i think most of my enraged posts sound boringly similar. i cant imagine typing out post after post, which sound almost the same, bar a few sentences.

and baring souls is probably as unappetizing as dropping ones pants in public.

---

its always iffy with women/girls [- of course there is a difference between the two... a sarcastic gimboid (thanks Red Dwarf!) that i worked with shortly laughingly told me the crass difference.]
anyway ... the point i seek to make - if the girl/woman in question is single, she WILL be snapped up by some loser or better guy (need to put this in also, as not all of the girls/women i know have total losers as bfs/fiances/hubbies). if the girl/woman in question is newly bereft of loser bf, then its rather a dicey issue to make my own case. mainly because QUITE DEFINITELY the said girl/woman has NEVER seen me in that sort of light and will be disgusted/shocked/horrified to find that a heart exists beneath this Quasimodean/Grim exterior. [yes , whoever reads this , sorry to break your ideal dream - SHREK is not always true, thats why its a STORY! do any girls choose to go live in a SWAMP?]

i am sure (as most people i know) that there's someone i will eventually end up with ... but the sheer statistics of the number of people i will have to interact with , and the timelines involved boggles the mind.

Time has always been my enemy , with specific regard to this ...

usual Sunday Evening

which means that im feeling quite grouchy. actually the whole week has been extremely grouchy.

and the week ahead seems no different.

to top up the start to a GREAT week, everyone in my team at work got called to a training seminar but me. that Toad of a boss called all his favorites in and threw me out like a piece of wet fish.

fat lot of motivation IM getting.

im going to walk out of the office at 3:30 pm tomorrow. the Toad can go probe his own innards.

why all the nice girls i know have to fly abroad i fail to understand. the nice girls who remain behind are all taken. and the single ones are mostly idiots. just to say that im not generalising, i have to note that these are the girls i run into on a daily basis or know myself.

the only high point of the week is one nice non-single girl has a birthday, maybe she'll invite me?

a thought

with nary much ceremony i like to declare that i find wedding blogs and wedding ads about as cheering as a appendectomy without stitches.

i love all my friends , Real Life or Online , and i AM overjoyed when they find the man/woman of their dreams who also think the said friend is the woman/man of their dreams.

but it sort of makes me feel like the last turtle of the Galapagos. Cute but doomed.

i know i'm doing a lot wrong, but why wont anyone understand this?

gloomy

after thirteen years we met on orkut. He's become a big successful Project Manager in a big company.

He invited me to attend the wedding of another friend of ours who i havent seen either in 13 years.

i didnt go , thinking up excuses all day. didnt return his calls.

i still cant get the reason why , was it because i feel like they've achieved so much in 13 years and i've yet to get my act together?

i really detest loud noisy marriage bands. i wish i had soundproof door and window panes.

here i am

just thinking about how long i haven't written here . many reasons, not the least of which would be a lack of sufficiently angsty things to write about.
not that there haven't been angsty things to write about, but i was just trying to catharize my mind of this ,without resorting to key-mashing.
***

Notice: i've migrated my blogger thing to Google - so if you do get an email from me ... it will be (name of blog) AT gmail DOT com... not the other one. i will still use the older one , though ... but for new people (should there be any) this rule will stand.

***

i detest people who treat dogs as inferior beings just because they cannot talk.
the other day, our driver, a rather cunning stupid guy, tried to speed over the gate bump - almost mashing the Resident 4 Footed Guy's leg .
if it were okay to bash people in places out of First Person Shooters ... i felt like doing that then..but i had to be satisfied by yelling at him "what if you were there and i drove this car over your leg?".

***

more on the same moron mentioned above ... last weekend, i was trying to arrange for a restaurant reservation for a friend of mine, at the request of his girlfriend who i also know.
The Driver grumbled "match dekhna hai"... and proceeded to speed through a Red Sign and mash the car against the door of another vehicle. fortunately the other driver and passenger turned out to be a lot more complaisant after i admitted it was our error...HIS error , but one cannot blame one's subordinates in front of OTHER PEOPLE - a stupid management concept but one that has to work in The Real world.

***

redevelopment - a new 4-letter word for me.

the wonderful old-style apartment complex (society in colloquial speak) is planning to be redeveloped. in short ... read that all the lovely two decade old trees are going to be chopped down and some snazzy sunshine blocking rats-warrens are going to be erected. no one even realises that the water and electricity situation there will be worsened . Does NO ONE think beyond the end of midnight tonight ???

***

grouches

• having to worry about taxes
  
• having to worry about skyrocketing house loan rates
  
• having to worry about retiring parents
  
• having to worry about MY tottering health
  
• wondering why all the girls i meet are The Wrong Sort.
• cursing myself for being so damned lazy
• overworking and hating it

a few things

that leave me fuming with regards to guys in relationships.


1. they take the girls for granted , yelling at them when they dont want to talk, and being all saccharine when they do want something out of them.
2. they ignore them when they dont want to use them.
3. they never listen to the girls and buy condoms when she wants to go to Goa.
4. they dont want to give up anything, but expect the girl to jump through all sorts of hoops.


that leave me fuming with regards to girls in relationships
1. girls become emotional puppets "im happy because he talked nicely to me", "im sad cos he wont talk to me".
2. they wont do things that HE wont like, wont talk to people that HE wont like.
3. after all this bullcrap they STILL think 'but i love him and thats going to change him" - IT DOESNT.

i dont want to be in a relationship because i fear that i may cause all of the above.
gr.

35 minutes

to go....

i was overjoyed to hear her on the phone.. part of me didnt think she would call, all the way from Ahmedabad.
part of me , The cynic still thought this was some kind of formality.

what i could have done without is to think of that Bong slime being in London able to visit her.
i guess she did a lot of damage with the one date we had - which wasnt really a date at all, before she went to Pune and out of reach forever.

my sorrow lies in the fact that i never get enough time ...
35 minutes is not any different.

Happy New Year to me, and you if you happen to be reading this ..

Time Moves On 06 -> 07

Time is simply a matter of implied motion - where you think you're going somewhere , but you are not.

And i don't mean the Theoretical Physics "Relativity" concept .... Existence is a lot more than moving through various time lines.

People come into your life and move on - some that you wish would stay, don't and some that you wish would move on faster than fastest, do ...

Promises made , expectations set, all crumble with the speed of sandcastles in the tide.

The best way to be is live life a second at a time - expect nothing - good or bad - that way whatever happens is going to be a surprise.

Smirk

really , is it just me ? or does no one else UNDERSTAND that working 22 hours in a day will NOT make more productive work .... just a lot of messy work from very tired people.

but nooooo ... we're not people, we're just fingers attached to a brain.

if this succeeds, the top ones will get all the praise.
if it doesnt , its ALL our fault.

whats even MORE hilarious(in a dark-humor kind of way) is a office memo (e-memo anyway) passed around by my head-man-person.

it goes "you'll be paid a pittance , ONLY if the customer likes BOTH the difficult bits of work you spent agonizing over for 3 weeks"... like THATS going to happen. he just sent it to keep up appearances and its not a very well disguised one.

this was not worth giving up Diwali , my Nights' sleep and my weekends for.

atleast if you are getting inane deadlines, make sure you GET it studied and analysed first ? instead of just fumblefingering around in the dark.

a-non-y-mosity

I have been very oddly quiet nowadays.
I put it down to being overworked - no weekends, 10 hours, expected to go up to 16+ hours over the next 10 days.

But this post isnt about my work-woes...

I have lately acquired a new fellow traveller. usually i get off the bus and hitch a ride together with this petite ageless person who disembarks just before the railway bridge.

a few days ago i discovered another person who disembarks much closer home than that.

she has several questions to ask me .. my name among other things.

the funny part is i have NO intention of asking her for hers... something that struck the one person who heard about this as extremely odd.

but without a name i am under no pressure to hold any delusions or aspersions... i can fully live in the moment, and when it is past i hold no regret that it is no more...

odd?

questions not to ask her if you still like her

any concerned questions about her health and happiness are Granny Questions

1. nothing about food, clothing, bus fare
2. nothing about pains, cold, dishwashing liquid

and im not allowed to be concerned about her wellbeing.

she was bemoaning the fact that only people who are worth communicating to are family and love of life. and only she's the one taking the effort to communicate. (what the EFF am i trying to do? i write her emails and she's "on a holiday from email"!)

i really dont know why i care .... but as the song goes .... "I Just Do...."

i hate being a guy with emotions, i should just go out and break stuff.

musings..

of course this was inevitable i suppose.
a question from one of my distant acquaintances from overseas , - if i was gay.
poor thing , she apologized a dozen times before asking "do you like the same gender?".

it isnt very odd , that question, here i am a few years short of 30 and i dont even have a gf.
i WAS bothered very much about appearances ,about being 'friend'less for the entire duration of my earthly existence.

However, on answering my acquaintance, i realise i am not, anymore.

i like girls. i find some attractive because of a hobby or a behavioral trait and others i find attractive because of their female bits. i dont particularly like the second kind of attraction, because it is superficial.

what i DETEST with the whole of my being , is to sit back and discuss , my liking for said female bits with other members of my gender, who are, sorry to say, NOTORIOUSLY lacking in subtlety.

so if im lucky enough to get to talk to a few women/girls on a mature,platonic level, i really AM happiest that way.

****

another blogger vanished : - deepthought00. - the webpage now hosts some porn page.

inept

on the one hand im supposed to be all nice and gentlemanly.

but what DO i do when i find that you have been calling other men and talking to them whereas to me , you communicate , through a mutual friend , "my internet is not working".

i long to call you all manner of words , but then i sense they are born out of my own frustrated delusion.

be well, and be happy, and be without me. if that be what makes you happy..

cut the crap.

i am outraged! how DARE we mock the memory of those that fought UNITED against oppression so long ago? for that is what the 'celebration' of Independence day is .

what exactly are we independent from ?

> we have no independence from the worry about where our next meal is coming from - we go to work the next day after a horrific series of blasts in a city - knowing that 'the spirit' is nothing but the knowledge that no one is paying for us to take a day off to mourn our dead.

> we have no independence of choice - its all just one set of politicians over others, they dont give a shit about US ... just about how to make the poll counters tick and discuss non-issues while the cows come home.

> no independence from being assured of a next generation - girls are still being valued below guys, inspite of outperforming them in academics and the fact that we need a next generation of mothers and sisters.

> no independence from uncertainty - this is more for those farmers who are so deeply rooted in debt that they'd rather DIE rather than continue.

> we dont have independence from hate - if anything we are enslaved by it more and more every single day - blaming our problems on THEM is a convenient way for us to ignore the REAL issues.

> we dont have independence from shitty infrastructure - the rains came, we still drowned. they did come to help, but too little too late.

we've been systematically wiping out monuments of our history and our past , in the name of progress - the Taj Mahal is decaying from the acids of a "Progressive Nation".

so after all this , citizens of a great country , lets NOT put down the sacrifice of they whose blood was spilt for us so many years ago ... just shut the Eff up and on this day, be reminded of the curse of our INABILITY to be anything but more enmeshed in circumstances over which we have NO control.

screwy

how can i be so calm about some people and feel hurt about some other people?

i got off the bus and she said to me "sorry i am going to take a lift with some one else".

atleast i got to see her on the bus.

today i am empty of all upsetting anger.

snarl

last night i spoke to a mutual friend .. who told me you were an emotional mess.

i left you a few slyly sarcastic messages. today morning you couldnt stop calling me.

then finally when i DO call you.... long distance... you put me on HOLD ?

then after a minute i hang up ... and u call me back immediately.

you tell me , lets meet in the afternoon, and forget all about me.

then you tell me "im out watching a drama with my mother" - then you
come back home and send messages to some other guy ?

if i werent such a patient entity i'd probably yell at you. in not very nice words.
and i suppose you would deserve those words too.